| So, it's the end of the year-my last year—here at UC Davis. What am I feeling? Oh well just: excited, scared, anxious, afraid, overwhelmed, relieved, sad, happy, apathetic, accomplished, content, incomplete and appreciative. I don’t know. It really did pass me by, crazy fast, and honestly, I feel like moving in the dorm was a month ago. Then I wonder: where did all of it go? Not saying that I didn't have a blast. I had a great time here. That's probably why it went by so fast. Remember that time we played a trick on Tony in the DC, or that time I hella called Lien out on the Bus? How about that time I brought people over and cooked them for them or when we pledged aphio? Oh *sighs*. Oh yah! And that hecka random night w/ Joanne and the roomies or that night that Minh "threw the table." HAHA. The trip to so-cal with the study group or the weekend in LA, the time I almost failed that class or all the O CHem classes, getting my job thanks to Jimmy, my first drunken experience in college, or randomly seeing Jerome in the bathroom and thinking he was Mexican. Yeah, good times. I’m really going to miss all this. I’ve been a student for so long. It defined me. “Oh, I go to Davis.” But now that I’m done, and have a year off, forced to face the “real world”—where people stop being nice and start being real—I often worry: What am I now? I think that I would be less worried about it if I had any idea as to what I would be doing in this year. I’m given the opportunity to explore life, to do whatever I want, and I’m sitting here feeling like I have little options. My friend called me “Emo Boy” yesterday… dang… she was right. Part of me feels like that I shouldn’t graduate—I should take another year and continue studying here, just for the heck of it. But the rest of me, the majority, knows that that is just wasting my time and just playing it safe. I should grow up. I need to grow up. I’ve been spoiled here, been given so much opportunity and only took advantage of some of that. I mean, I think I did a lot here and, for the most part, always kept myself better, but I think I could have done more. Now I know what must be done. I should set goals for next year, as well as the rest of my life really. Continue to work out. Work and still get paid next year. Learn Spanish. Travel (New Zealand and Australia in October! Let me know if you want to go!) Get into Medical school. Never stop learning. I think I can do all that, but then there’s no guarantee that, after finishing all my goals, I still won’t feel like I do now: that I could have done more, that I should have done this or could have done that. I guess that’s a good thing though. Not saying you should live with regrets, still understanding that you learn in the negative as well as the positive experiences in your life, but always feeling like you can do more. I read something in this book, and it really got to me… I put it in my profile. “Skill can be thought, tenacity cannot.” I like to think that I’m a dedicated and driven person. My own worst critic, I want to always do more—only if I can get my lazy ass off this chair. Lately, I find myself continually saying: "Any situation is what you make of it." One can always say that "there's nothing to do in Davis" or that "Davis is hella boring," but really, the people aren't. I'm glad as to how I made this situation and wish that it didn't have to end. Well, I guess that’s all I have to say. Oh wait. Nevermind. It’s not. I just want to say thanks. Thank you to everyone and everything, good or bad, for this experience. I loved it. This is John Carbonell Bautista, UC Davis undergrad student for the last time, signing off. Peace out |
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